The Morning After The Night Before
by Indiesin
Summary: Roxas really, really hated house parties. Waking up wrapped in the arms of a total stranger didn't exactly help, either. [Akuroku] [AU] [ON HIATUS]
1. Roxas Doesn't Do Parties

_A/N- Alright, I finally gave in and wrote a KH fic, even though I'm embarrassed to put this piece of crap on the net. So, the idea, hits me at 3 a.m. I start writing at 3:05, and now at 4, if I don't stop now, I will have a heart attack from lack of sleep. (Is that possible? Whatever. It is now.)_

_Warning: Language, yaoi, crap writing._

_Dedication: To Pharaoh-chan, because the idea hit me at 3 a.m. while reading 'Remind Me Again?' one of her fics. And, as always, to Llama-chan!_

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The Morning After the Night Before 

A gust of cold air hit Roxas, who curled up into the body of the person lying next to him. Wait. Oh fuck. _Person lying next to him?!_ What, exactly did he do last night? He remembered Sora dragging him to Riku's party, despite his protests that he really wasn't a 'party' kind of person, and he would really rather stay home. Sora, however, had blackmail.

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

"Rox, d'you remember on my 15th last year, and you had a few too many tequila slammers and decided to let Kairi, Yuffie, Selphie, Girl Rikku and Naminé dress you up? And they were nearly as wasted as you and thought it would be _hi-larious _to crossdress you?" Sora had asked sweetly, his big blue eyes batting innocently at his younger-by-4-minutes brother.

A sense of impending doom stole of Roxas. "Sora, you didn't? You're my brother, and you were far too drunk to have a camera, and-"

"_I _was, but Cloud was stone-cold sober. Well, less off his face, at least. And he had a camera. And if those pictures were leaked to the general public, I don't know _what _you'd do."

"Sora, I swear to God, you burn those pictures, and I do whatever you want. Sex with Kairi? Of course. Sell my soul to the Devil? With pleasure. Buy you Disney for your birthday? No problem. Go to Riku's party? Like fuck."

"Roxas Josephine Strife! You are going to this party!"

"…………………My middle name isn't Josephine, Sora you nutcase."

"Well maybe it should have been! And mine should have been Emily, and Cloud strikes me as a Marianne sort of guy, and………"

Roxas smirked. He enjoyed his twin's stupidity, thanking every god he knew that Sora was easily distracted. His mental victory dance, complete with finger pointing and poses, was interrupted by Sora saying,

"And we can ask Riku what he thinks when we get there, you look a mess, take a shower and I'll lay out your clothes, it's like 'Queer Eye for the Straight Guy', except you're not straight, and I'm not a random stranger, and hurry up with that shower, I want one, and you always take ages and if I carry on rambling maybe you'll just not notice I'm conning you into doing exactly what I want, it's like I always say, if you can't blind them with your brains, baffle them with your bullshit, and oh crap I just said that out loud didn't I?!"

Roxas blinked. "Holy fuck. Did you say all that in one breath? Damn, Sora."

And so, in a matter of minutes, he was ready to go. Black shirt with a zip up the middle, spray on tight black jeans, two belts, one black, and one white, dark grey long coat, wristbands, Vans and hair spiked just right. Sora sure as hell could choose clothes, which was bizarre considering the fact Sora usually looked like he shopped solely out of Oxfam. Roxas had even let Sora loose with the eyeliner, but he had put his foot down when he was approached by a scary, grinning brunet brandishing watermelon flavour lipgloss. He did have some final vestiges of masculinity left, and he'd be damned if he let his crazy fairy twin make him look a complete woman.

Sora just……………… looked like Sora. There was nothing that could be done for him, what with the giant spiked hair and secret jewellery fetish.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Roxas could remember arriving _chez Riku, _being offered a beer, then another, then a lot more, then being asked to dance by a man-woman-being-of-uncertain-gender, then someone handing him and unlabeled bottle, and being told to "Drink it, it's really good!" and then…………………………

Nothing. Total blank. Whatever the hell that drink was, it was strong stuff. It had better not have been date rape. Which brought him back to the matter at hand.

He took a close look at the person currently in the bed he was also in. (It sure as fuck wasn't _his _bed.) Tall, around six foot, extremely skinny, thinner than Roxas, who was no elephant, tattoo of a black rose dripping blood on the left shoulder blade, snake on the bicep, flaming chakram on the right hip, two teardrops under the eyes _(Emo! _Roxas thought) and bright, spiky red hair, like a………………… scarlet porcupine. Hey, Roxas never claimed to be poetic! In that pale face, with its sharp, smooth planes, two eyes drowsily blinked open.

"Hey, Roxy. How do you feel?" Hmm, nice voice, too. Well there was no denying this guy was attractive. In fact, Roxas would have no problem with any of thins, if it weren't for the fact that,

"I'd feel a lot better if I had a clue who the fuck you are."

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_A/N- Hello. I love author's notes; they make me feel all powerful. Please review, I nearly always do, and besides, it's polite. And my mutant carp will eat you socks if you don't._


	2. Welcome To Shit Creek

_A/N- wOOt, chapter 2! This'll be it for a week, as I'm going away, but expect plenty of chapters when I get back, even if no-one likes this. I don't think this one is as funny, but as a bonus it's longer. Why is it that I can only write in the middle of the night? Ah well. _

_**DISCLAIMER- ****YES! You have seen through my disguise, I am actually Tetsuya Nomura, Disney and Squeenix rolled into one!! ****sees guys in suits with briefcases Eep! Not mine, not mine, please don't sue me, I'm attached to the cardboard box which is the only thing I own!**_

_DEDICATION- This is dedicated to _Triptic _ my very first reviewer! THANK YOU! Are you sick of these yet? To the WonderLlama, because she is the Beelzebub to my Satan, the Excalibur to my Arthur, the shotgun to my Dick Cheney! _

The Morning After the Night Before

"Well…… This is awkward. I'm Axel. That's A-X-E-L, got it memorised?" the redhead said with a cocky smirk.

Roxas groaned and put his head in his hands. "Please tell me I didn't have sex with you. Because if I did, drunk Roxas has really bad taste."

"I think I'm offended. And don't worry, I won't…… tell you, that is."

'Isn't this _fabulous!' _Roxas whined (internally, of course, as it would totally ruin his image to be caught whining.) 'I just lost my virginity to a total _moron_! A sexy moron, but quite clearly a retard. Bugger, fuck, shit, bollocks, arse, crap, wanker, twat, bastard,'

As Roxas continued his inner monologue of as many swear words as his still half asleep brain could conjure, the redhead, Axel, quietly slipped off the bed, dressed, and went in search of "that blond kid" 's clothes. Contrary to popular belief, if Axel had known exactly how drunk the boy in front of him was, he wouldn't have slept with him. Axel was a bastard, but not that much of a bastard.

"Hey, kid, your phone." Axel's voice brought Roxas back to the present.

"Huh? Oh, thanks." Grabbing it and speedialling Sora, he prayed that his twin would pick up. It would totally suck to have to walk back home, especially as he had no idea where he was, and his lower back was on fire. 'Ow. Pain. If I try to walk like this, I'll probably collapse. And then I'll get picked up by a pervert and raped. Oh, no, wait, that already happened.' So Roxas is a complete drama queen. He, of course, preferred 'drama _king_', because 'drama queen' sounded like 'drag queen', which, in turn, made him sound gay. Having just had sex with a guy, though, that probably wasn't too far off the mark.

"_Hey, Roxas! Where ARE you?!"_

Oh thank god. Sora was his saviour. Jesus has come again, in the form of one Sora Strife!

"Sora, bud, if I knew that, I wouldn't be here. This is all your fault, you know. If you hadn't forced me to go to Riku's party, I wouldn't have met the idiot over here-"

"_Hey!"_ Axel squawked. Roxas flipped him the finger.

"_- _and I wouldn't have gone somewhere unknown with him, after getting trashed, been fucked by him, and trust me, it was that way round, and woken up with no memory of a) who he was and b) where I am. So, Sora, muffin_, this is all your fault." _

Dial tone. Roxas stared at his phone in disbelief. Did Sora just hang up on him? Dammit, Sora was the nice twin! He was supposed to be all "I'm so sorry, let me come pick you up and I'll take you for expensive, imported sea-salt ice-cream to make up for it!" Bastard. One more number… Roxas crossed his fingers…

"Cloud. What do you want."

Blessed relief, the soothing monotone of the oldest Strife brother, who would certainly never leave his little brother in the hands of a total stranger.

"Cloud, it's Roxas, I need your help,-"

Dial tone. _Bastard! _ Roxas wanted to cry.

"Need a ride?"

Damn him, stupid _Axel, _with his stupid _condescending tone, _and his stupid _method of transport_, and grrrrrrr.

"Did you just growl? Because that's freaky. Really freaky. But yeah, I can take you home, or to a friend's, or to an area of town you know well, or whatever. So?"

"Where are we?" Roxas asked, hoping to the dear sweet Jesus that they were near his house.

"Never Was. Why?"

Fuck. That was _miles _from Radiant Garden, where his cousin lived, even further to Twilight Town, where his friends lived, and on a _different fucking map _to Hollow Bastion. He was so royally screwed. Up shit creek without a paddle. Hell, he didn't even have a fucking _canoe! _Even though it went against his every instinct, Roxas replied,

"I need a ride. Can you take me to Hollow Bastion? The restoration committee house."

"I don't think I can take you that far…… Gimme a minute," in a total change of tone, Axel yelled out, "RENO!!"

From the deep dark depths of the house, a voice boomed… Well, okay, screamed in a vaguely feminine way, "WHAT?! I'M BUSY, MAN WHORE!"

"I AM NOT A MAN WHORE!"

"POLICE RECORDS SAY OTHERWISE, BITCH!"

"LOOK, JUST GET YOUR ASS IN HERE!" Axel glanced over at Roxas, who was whimpering in pair with his hands over his ears. Ah well. Roxas sure had screamed louder last night. Almost as if Roxas could hear his thoughts, blue eyes looked up, and a death glare was levelled at Axel, who swore he saw actual lasers come out of Blondie's eyes.

"You mention last night again, I _castrate you, _understand?" Roxas hissed, poison dripping from his every word. It would have been a lot scarier if he wasn't blushing.

A person with hair as red as Axel's, but tied back in a ponytail, looked into the room, but squeaked when he saw Roxas, pointing and babbling before running back out and slamming the door. Axel, wondering what the fuck had Reno of the Turks behaving like a little girl, followed where the finger had pointed to Roxas.

"Oh yeah, those clothes are yours, you might wanna put them on. To save Reno's virgin eyes and all that. I mean, it's not as if he's seen an unclothed male body before, is it?" A muffled "Fuck you!" was heard, and duly ignored. Blushing, Roxas quickly dressed before yelling to let Reno know about the lack of nudity.

"What do you want, porcupine-hair?" Reno asked, leaning on the door frame.

"Your soul and your car, bitch," was the quick reply.

"Do what you want with the soul, but stay away from my car, juvenile delinquent!" the elder retorted.

"But I need to take Roxy here hooooome!" whined Axel in a ridiculously childish voice. "He lives really far away, and my car doesn't have enough gaaaaaaas! Come on, you woman!"

"Hey, _Roxy, _how about you ditch the pyromaniac and I'll take you home. Or just take you, whatever," Reno leered, winking at the _still _blushing blond.

This was the last straw for Roxas.

"ALRIGHT, LISTEN UP, FUCKERS, CUZ I'M ONLY GONNA SAY THIS ONCE! I have no idea how I came to be here, but being gang-raped by gingers isn't exactly at the top of my list right now!! I was just quietly minding my own business and next thing I know I'm here, being propositioned by paedophiles,_ yes you heard that right, I don't turn sixteen till next week, _and all I want is to go home, because my back hurts like hell, and I think I have anal bleeding, and if I get an STI it's because of you, and I can't move because of the excruciating pain, and I WANT CHOCOLATE NOW GOD DAMMIT!!!!"

The brothers cowered.

Shrinking back out of the room, Reno hesitantly said, "I'll just go and get the car ready, don't worry I'll pad the seat, bye," and was gone.

Axel quietly, fingers crossed behind his back, said, "I think we have some toblerone downstairs. Would you like me to carry you down, and you can eat yummy toblerone, and not kill either redhead? We have muffins if you don't like toblerone!"

Sniffing slightly, Roxas gave him a watery smile and whispered, "Can I have both?"

After Axel's encouraging nod, he lifted his arms to be carried downstairs and suddenly remembered his brothers. 'I blame _you, _Sora and Cloud, and by god you will feel the wrath of my male PMS, and in a tiny, blackened corner of my soul, I will feel sorry for you. The rest of me will _laugh._'

_A/N- Hello. /smiles encouragingly/ The periwinkle button is calling. It's the same colour as Zexion's hair, and if that's not a sign, I don't know what is. That, and the fact that I have hordes of drunken moogles, ready to hunt you down and sing at you if you don't review. _


	3. Tour Guides and Evil Plots

_A/N- Sorry for the wait, but I've been away, and didn't have time to write. On the other hand, I think I might like this chapter, even though it didn't flow at first. I swear, the ending wrote itself. I was gonna make this longer, but I saw an opportunity to stop, and wanted to post this a.s.ap., so here you go. _

_**DISCLAIMER-** Using my mad ninja skillzzzzz, I kidnapped the owners of KH, and tortured them until they signed the rights over to me. And if you believed that, your computer is made of snow._

_**DEDICATION-**To the lovely people who are reading this, and not reviewing, as well as to Skitts, who bothered to send me a PM. On top of that, to Kale Hikari, for the fave, and Kai-Dranzer, for the alert. And Pinky, tonight we will do the same thing we do every night: try to take over the world!_

"So… Mind if I put on the radio?" Axel, unsurprisingly, was a tad apprehensive, seeing as no amount of cuteness could detract from the fact that Roxas was plotting, and the dark muttering was punctuated by evil laughter. A death glare was levelled at the porcupine-head.

"Oooo-kay then. I'll just let the uncomfortable silence carry on uninterrupted. May I point out that you have a very sexy glare? No, clearly I may not. So now I'll just ramble about sod-all. This is a nice car, isn't it? Sadly, Reno is quite possibly a pimp in his spare time, which is why we have faux-fur seat and steering wheel covers, fluffy dice and gold-plated hubcaps. Oh, and on your left is my friend Larxene's house. She's off her rocker, and if you hear screaming I wouldn't be too alarmed, that's just her latest victim. On you right as we approach the crossroads is Saïx, he's equally homicidal, at careers evening they asked what he would like to do for a job, and he said serial murder, and we all laughed but he wasn't joking, and he proved it when he produced this massive-ass claymore, I don't even want to think where he keeps that thing. Just up ahead is Zexion, he's emo, big style, I've seen the cut marks, except he's not really emo, he just pretends to be because it pisses people off, and with him is Lexaeus, who's actually a giant rock, not a person, I don't think he knows how to talk in sentences, and the one who looks like a _really _ugly girl is Vexen, who's amazing at science, but I think he dissected a live person for his thesis, and I know only Zex lets himself be experimented on, and that's because he's known Vexen for about a bazillion years, so he knows that if any harm comes to him Vexen'll cut off his own head, and-"

Roxas, who had been struggling to keep up with the constant stream of information, finally broke in. "Are any of your friends remotely sane? I mean, they're gonna have something wrong with them if they voluntarily spend time with you, but really!"

Axel raised an eyebrow, drawling sarcastically, "You cut me deep, Roxy. You cut me real deep," before continuing with, "And that's Marluxia, or Marlena as he is affectionately known, he's a total woman, he spends his whole life in his greenhouse obsessing over plants, he says they're medicinal, but secretly he grows weed in his room the crazy pothead, and I would call him gay, but he's going out with Larxene, and really that's a lesbian couple, with him as uke, because, I mean, what a total girl! He has _pink hair!_"

Roxas wanted to kill himself with a rusty spork. Either that or just dismember the retard in front of him. Seriously, who would miss Axel? All he contributed to the world was arson and sexual predator-ness…ness…type thing…… Dammit, what was the verb that went with predator?

"And we have now left the town of Never Was, and will soon be approaching Radiant Garden, a lovely suburb." Axel had kept up his tour guide routine all through Roxas's inner monologue. It was kinda creepy. The other problem was that Roxas was having issues pretending not to be ogling Axel at every opportunity. For instance, the way Axel's shirt was the exact same green as his eyes and clung in all the right places. While the man was skinny, he wasn't _too _thin, more lithe than anorexic. And no, Roxas was _not _looking at Axel's stomach muscles where his shirt had ridden up. _He was not, dammit! _And now Roxas had a… problem. Crossing his legs, he thought of the least attractive thing he could - Riku's mad aunt Maleficent, in revealing lingerie, doing a striptease. Problem solved.

"You want McD's? I could stop here and get you a junk food fix." Axel, _once again,_ broke into his thoughts. Although, that particular mental image needed to be repressed.

"Yeah, why not? Uh… chicken caesar salad and Diet Coke." Axel gave the blond a really odd look.

"Salad. You want _salad. _What are you, some sort of dieting chick?! _This is McDonald's, you do not come here and get fucking SALAD! " _The final 'salad' reached pitches usually reserved for bats and eunuchs. The windscreen shattered.

Roxas carried on as though there had been no interruption. "And then I'll have a family bucket of fries with hot sauce, four double Big Macs, a BBQ chicken premiere with bacon, donuts with chocolate fudge dip, two double quarter pounders with cheese, a blueberry muffin, strong double espresso with sugar, a large toffee sundae, chicken and bacon wrap, another large fries, one McFlurry in each flavour available, a meatball melt with cheese, extra large fries, chocolate milkshake, flake cone, ketchup and another fries. And I'll have that super-sized."

"Holy fuck. That's a lot of food, Roxy. I'll have the same." When they got away from the order point, Roxas explained the abnormal amount of grease and fat he was about to consume.

"I have a killer hangover, and in my experience, the only miracle cure better than eating crap is Jack Daniels with a vodka chaser." Axel nodded sagely, recognising the wisdom in his new… _friend? boyfriend? partner? fuckbuddy? rapee? _acquaintance's advice.

Another forty miles down the road, they reached Radiant Garden. Roxas, spotting a horrifically frightening trio of girls. His cousin, Rikku, and the other two-thirds of her mind, Yuna and Paine. It really wouldn't do for him to be seen in a pimpmobile with a strange guy, because Rikku would tell Sora, and Sora would tell Cloud, and then he would be royally buggered.

On the subject of Sora and Cloud, he got back to plotting hideous medieval-style revenge on them. Only total and utter abasement at his feet would get the two eldest Strife brothers off the hook. Now, where could he get hold of a Photoshop genius? The only people he knew who could turn a computer on without blowing it up were Cid, who was a likely to help as a hippo with indigestion, and Leon/Squall, whatever the hell he was calling himself, who was Cloud's "_best-friend-and-nothing-more-we-never-even-experimented-and-the-time-you-saw-us-rolling-around-on-the-floor-together-half-naked-we-were-just-wrestling-and-Cloud-happened-to-fall-on-Leon's-lips_". No, there was only one thing for it.

"Axel? Can any of your weird friends use Photoshop?"

Axel wracked his brains, face screwed up in concentration. "Let me think…"

"Careful there, you don't want to do yourself an injury."

"Ha-bastard-bloody-ha. No, none of my friends, but Reno's mate, Rude, has mad computer skillzzz. I'm sure he could solve any problems. Why?"

"Revenge. And did you just say skillzzz, with three 'z's at the end?"

"……Maybe."

Roxas gave him an odd look. "Whatever. Oh god, does this mean I have to talk to your brother? He scares the shit out of me. I feel my virtue is threatened when he's around. Probably not that safe with you around, either."

"Shut up. Are you implying I'm the same sort of scary potential rapist as my brother? Because as I recall, our cnversation went along the lines of me saying 'Hello, do you want a drink?' and you saying 'take me now, I need to get laid and I want you' and me saying 'Uh, maybe not?' and you saying 'give it to me hard up the ass' and me downing my nineteenth shot and saying 'yeah, why the fuck not' and then we went back to mine and having passionate-"

"Why don't you SHUT THE FUCK UP IF YOU WANT TO STAY A MAN AS OTHER MEN ARE?!?!"

Axel reflexively tried to protect his crotch, in vain, as the furious blond repeatedly stabbed him in the balls with his house keys.

"OW! OH GOD, THE PAIN! IT BURNS LIKE A THOUSAND HELLS! JESUS CHRIST ALIVE, SAVE ME FROM THIS TORMENT!"

"AXEL KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE FUCKING ROAD, SHITHEAD!"

"THE PAIN HAS BLINDED ME! I'M LOSING CONTROL OF MY MUSCLES! THIS IS LIKE WHAT THEY DID TO THE DUDE IN THAT CRAZY BOOK 1984, EXCEPT MORE PAINFUL!"

"WE'RE GOING TO CRASH! THE CEMENT MIXER ON YOUR LEFT!"

"I CAN'T FEEL MY LIMBS! I THINK I SEE ELVIS! IS THIS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO DIE?! I SWEAR THAT'S THE VIRGIN MARY!"

"AXEL THE CEMENT MIXER!!!"

The car veered wildly around the road, bashing into the cement mixer, causing cement to be poured all over the car, before it rolled down a ditch. Getting out, Axel stared at the pile of wrecked scrap metal that was once a beautiful pimp car, Reno's pride and joy, his one true love, now reduced to so much trash by the wayside.

Roxas pouted, looking at his house keys, and the congealing liquid on them. "Axel, you total arse, you've got blood on my keys."

Axel was unable to reply. When he could finally speak, it was in a strangled whisper,

"_Reno is going to kill me."_

_A/N- Listen very carefully, I shall say this only once: REVIEW OR MY DRUGGED-UP CHOCOBO WILL GET YOU!_

_...please?_


	4. No Wonder Fanfiction's Going To The Dogs

_A/N- I'm soooooo sorry this took so long! **grovels at feet** Well, first Harry Potter 7 came out, that was me out of action for the four hours in a day when I usually write. And then my inspiration totally fucked me over. I had nothing worth reading. Then came the beautiful Skitts, who gave me some ideas. THANK YOU SO MUCH!! But it still wouldn't flow. Then FF7- Advent Children ate my brain. I wasn't functioning for two days. Then tonight, just as things were starting to go ok, I settled into a flow, my parents decided to drag me off to see Othello, at Shakespeare's Globe Theatre. It was AWESOME, but the end didn't flow, I'm still going over the best straight play ever in my head. So, forgive me?_

_DEDICATION- To all the people who have me on alerts/faves, to Colonel Roxas-chan, who quoted me on her profile, to Disbanded Matrimony, who reviewed every chapter when it was already up to 3, but above all that, to **Skitts,** who is quite possibly the most amazingly awesome human being on this green earth. She went beyond the call of duty with all her help in this chapter, so Skitts , have my babies?_

_**POLL- **I want to do a poll, because Skitts, who owns (and maybe even pwns) my soul, wanted SoraKairi. I want to do this for her, but if everyone else says RikuSora, then I might be forced to change my mind. It will, of course, need lots of reviews saying RIKUSORA, and some pretty damn effective threats/bribes. But please, I need your opinions._

"………… Oh, you fucktard. Where are we? Cause I don't have a sodding clue. How could you not see the giant cement mixer? It's nearly two stories tall! Axel, you are the biggest twat I have ever had the misfortune to sleep with. What, pray tell, are we supposed to do now?" Roxas ranted, furious that he was now stranded in a strange area with Axel, the least intelligent being on this planet.

Axel managed to break off his thoughts of, _"Hey, I could impale myself on that piece of engine sticking out of the mangled roof, then I would be dead before Reno and his taser get to me, thus depriving him of his revenge! Mwahaha!" _to catch the last sentence.

"Uh… hitchhike?"

Roxas wanted to smack that cocky grin off the redhead's face. _Hitchhike?! _Most people who picked up hitchhikers wanted "sexual favours", if you know what I mean, and I think you do. And quite frankly, he had had enough of being practically raped for the next few days, thank you _very _much.

"No. Never. I refuse to hitchhike, Axel, and that is the end of it."

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"I feel ridiculous."

They were both standing by the side of the road, thumbing a lift, watching everyone drive past. One car of what looked like high school students stopped to point and laugh. They then called all their _buddies, _and within five minutes, every jock in a seven mile radius had seen them.

Axel grinned, like he had a brilliant idea. "I know what'll cheer you up. Burning the wreckage!"

Roxas sighed, glancing up at the sky as if praying for deliverance. Which he was. "_No, _Axel. If we burn it, we can't get it fixed, and you might live a little longer."

Thankfully, the next car, a beaten up hippie-mobile, with obscure band stickers and peace signs, pulled up. It was painted in rainbow stripes, and had slogans like 'Pick flowers not fights', 'Pump up the Jam' and 'Break dance not hearts' scrawled on the sides. A smiling, mullethawked head poked out of the drivers' side window. Axel grinned and flicked his hair.

"Well fuck me running, if it isn't Demyx. The fuck you doing round here?"

The guy, who Roxas presumed to be one of Axel's weird and creepy friends smiled possibly even wider than Axel, and, in a Deep South drawl, said,

"I'm going to a meeting with my manager, he's got us a gig. Do y'all need a lift?"

Roxas looked at his car. Then he looked again. "NO." He was not getting in that car. Ever. In his LIFE. It was the shittest car in the universe. Demyx frowned.

"Dude, you're hitching. You blatantly need a lift." Axel turned at Roxas too.

"Yeah Roxy, what gives?" Roxas sighed, massaging his temples.

"I'm not getting in that car. Especially not near somewhere I might get recognised," Roxas turned to the hippie-hick that drove said monstrosity, "Where are we, anyway?" Demyx looked confused.

"Y'all are in Twilight Town. Didn't you know?"

Roxas could cry with joy. Thank GOD! He was in his territory! _I'm back, bitches! _Twilight Town! He knew it nearly as well as… No, scratch that, _better _than Hollow Bastion! Glory Hallelujah, praise the Lord! He looked around. In the name of Jesus and his miracle hangover cure, he knew where they were! His best female friend, Naminé, and her sister Kairi, Sora's "best female friend" lived about two streets from here. And their dad, Cid, was a genius mechanic, who would fix the car while Kairi drove them to Roxas's home, and all would be saved! He did a victory dance.

"Uh, Roxas? Any particular reason that you appear to be doing 'Saturday Night Fever' dancing in the middle of the street?"

Trust Axel to ruin the mood. "Axel, it is a victory dance, because I know some people who live very close to here, and, more importantly, a car mechanic."

Axel blinked, astonished. "You mean, I might not die a virgin? Oh, wait, shit, I wasn't going to die a virgin anyway. Damn, that one usually works in conversation."

Roxas blinked. _What sort of conversations does he HAVE?! _"ANYWAY, we don't need a lift any more, so, Axel's hippie-dippy friend, feel free to sod off," (he did) "and Axel, after me!"

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A girl dressed in white, with pale blonde hair and pale blue eyes opened the door. Axel could practically _see _the grains of dirt being repulsed from her.

"Roxas! What are you doing here?" Fucking hell, she even _sounded _delicate and pure and all that shit. If this was _his _Roxy's girlfriend, she would have to die. Now. Painfully.

"Axel, this is my best friend-who-is-a-girl, but not girlfriend, Naminé. Nami, this is Axel. It's a long story. Now, I want you to be friends!" Fat fucking chance. Axel hated her already. He saw how she looked at Roxas. Oh yeah, bitch, I'm on to you. "Now, I'm going to find Kairi and Cid, play nicely."

Naminé looked Axel up and down, then smiled sweetly. "Axel, I know you think I like Roxas, and that's why you look like if I died you would bake a 'Hooray, Naminé's dead' cake, but I should probably tell you I'm a lesbian."

Axel seized her in a hug. "Oh good, now I don't have competition! Naminé, if you ever come onto Roxas I will rape your family with a shovel. Now that's cleared up, do you have any cookies? I'm hungry, Roxy ate all the McDonalds, the biatch."

Roxas came fuming into the room. Oh, so Cid wouldn't fix a stranger's car for free? Well Cid could go fuck himself. Wanker.

"Roxas, what's wrong?" Naminé calmed him with three words.

"Nothing much, Nami, just your dad being an arse." Naminé smiled and patted Roxas's shoulder.

"I'll go and talk to him."

Axel looked at Roxas, biting his lip. "Rox, what are we going to tell everyone?"

Bollocks. He hadn't thought this far. "I was thinking maybe…… we wing it?" Yup, they were royally screwed. Axel stared at him, before replying,

"How 'bout we procrastinate for as long as we can, and then be… economic with the truth?" It was a plan. A good plan. Lie. Repeat until caught. Then lie some more.

Just then Naminé came back into the room, with a redhead who Axel assumed to be this "Kairi" who Roxas kept going on about.

"Roxas, we'll take you back home, Dad'll fix your friend's car, and you can explain everything when we get there!" Kairi was, like Sora, one of those bloody cheerful people, who never stop smiling. Even at five am when she hadn't slept in three days she was bouncy and lively. It was probably the drugs.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"ROXAS JOSEPHINE STRIFE!! WHERE _HAVE _YOU **BEEN**?!?!"

"FOR THE LAST FUCKING TIME SORA, MY MIDDLE NAME IS NOT JOSEPHINE! AND YOU WOULD'VE _KNOWN _WHERE I WAS IF YOU COULD BE FUCKED TO COME AND PICK ME UP! DO YOU HAVE _ANY _IDEA WHAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH?!"

"Roxas, Cid gave you beer to shut you up. Do _you _have any idea what you've been through?"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP, AXEL!"

Cloud looked around, sighed and decided to take control of the situation. He was the oldest there, except for Leon, who was about as likely to help as Cloud's left testicle. Yes, the left one specifically. Why was Cloud babbling to himself about testicles? 1. He was gay, so it was never going to be vaginas was it? 2. Because it was a damn long way from Never Was to Hollow Bastion, and so it was about midnight, when he had been up all night the night before. He was tired, dammit! And 3. Because Leon was wearing leather trousers. Again. "Sora, Roxas, Roxas's random friend, shut up before I tear out your livers with my bare hands." They shut up. "Good. Now, everyone go inside and sit down, hello Riku, what are you doing here, I don't really give a fuck so just be quiet _thank you_, Leon go and get drinks and snacks, I have a feeling that this will take a while, I am going to take a paracetamol, when I get back I expect total silence. _Is that clear?_"

In unison, all seven replied, "Sir, yes Sir!" and saluted. In total silence they went inside and sat down. Sora got a death glare for breathing too loudly. Cloud could be fucking scary when he wanted to be.

"Alright," he said, when he got into the room, "would someone like to explain what the fuck happened in the last twenty-four hours? Thank you for volunteering, Roxas."

Oh bugger. Why him?! "Weeeeeeelllll, I blame Sora. If he wasn't an asshole, I would never have gone to that party. Because Sora forced me to go to Riku's party, and someone there got me drunk. Very, very drunk. And then I woke up in Axel's bed, less than clothed, shall we say. Oh, everyone, this is Axel," he gestured to the tall redhead, "and Axel, the scary blond is Cloud, the scary brunet is his _'friend' _Leon. The short hyper brunet is my twin, Sora. On his left is his best male friend, Riku, (when did you get here, by the way?) and you met Kairi, Sora's other best friend, and Naminé earlier."

Axel gave a lazy wave and a smirk. "Yo. I guess you want me to fill in what I can. Well, I picked Roxy up in Never Was, and at first I thought he was a male hooker. He was dressed like one, and being known for my _diverse _choice of friends, ladies and gentlemen, I do know what looks like. Anyway, I wasn't exactly sober myself, and by the nineteenth shot, I thought, well, he's coming on to me, why the hell not, and we went back to mine. I don't want to discuss what came next with his family so…… yeah. Then I wake up the next day, realise he was a hella lot drunker than I originally thought, and remembered nothing. He then called the two people he thought would come and fetch him, they, uh, didn't. I offered to take him home, but my car didn't have the petrol to go from Never Was to Bastion, so I borrowed my brother's, we stopped for junk food, Roxy-boy here stabbed me in the nuts with his keys and I crashed into a cement mixer so we tried to hitchhike. The only person who stopped for us had an ugly car so Blondie wouldn't get in. He noticed that his girlfriends lived near where we were, so we went to them, and they brought us here."

They blinked. Whoa. A lot to take in there. Cloud and Sora were simply staring into space, mouths opening and closing like… retarded fish. Cloud finally pulled himself together long enough to say,

"Roxas… You lost your virginity to a total stranger?!"

Roxas laughed at their faces. "Kids, I lost my virginity a loooooooong time ago. Just because you're saving yourselves for marriage or whatever the fuck, doesn't mean I don't want to live a little. And it was two years ago, I was fourteen, he was… seventeen? Eighteen? Anyway, he had spiky blond hair and facial tattoos," he managed to pre-empt the next question.

Axel looked a tad surprised. "Dude, what is your thing with spiky hair and facial tattoos?"

"I guess they just… turn me on." Roxas smirked, knowing full well Axel didn't know how to respond to that in a room full of his family. Then something occurred to him.

"Cloud, can Axel stay here? He can't go back to Never Was tonight, and he has no transport, and I want him to stay for a while, until his car is fixed, _please? _Ok, good, that's settled, Axe, you can stay on the futon in my room."

Axel looked like he had remembered something particularly painful. Which he had. "Roxy, I need to call Reno and explain." He cringed from the thought. Roxas chucked him a mobile. A tacky rap ringtone played.

"Yo, Sex God, I'm sorry, I'm not available right now, I'm busy having hot, steamy, swea-"

"Reno, it's Axel," he said in a monotone.

"My dear little dickface, what can I do for you?"

"I'm going to stay in Hollow Bastion for a bit. And I'll keep the car with me."

"Like fuck. I want that car, even if I have to resurrect my dead great-grandpa to do it."

"Tough shit."

"Axel if anything happened to that car…… _Satan will make you pay in bloooooooood!!" _

"Nothing at all happened to your car! I need it to… do… deliveries… for… the local… lingerie store! Yeah, why not, let's go with the lingerie store."

"_YOU FUCKING BASTARD, I'LL RIP OFF YOUR FACE AND FEED IT TO YOUR UTERUS, THEN I'LL MAKE SURE YOU NEVER REPRODUCE, AND THEN, JUST FOR KICKS, I'LL KILL YOUR FRIENDS!!! **MY CAAAAAAAARRRR!!!!!!!!"**_

Axel turned away from the phone. "Uh, Roxy, you might wanna watch out for-"

"Like hell I'm your friend! I aint dying with you bitch!"

"_Axel, so help me god, I will have VEANGEANCE!"_

Axel gulped. Maybe it was a good thing he was about eight hundred miles away.

_A/N- PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASE**PLEASE! **review. I slaved like a whore over this, and even though I think it's complete crap, I need some encouragement. So I beg you, please review. And tell me what to do next, as my plans for chapter 5 read: "Sora + umbrella- I POKE AT THEE!!_

_Roxas- Fuck off!!"_

_Suprisingly, that was inspired by Othello, Shakespeare's greatest tragedy. But yeah, a little input would be nice._


	5. The Return of RenoRevelations

_A/N- /cringe/ It's been a while, hasn't it? I'm really, really sorry, but, like a fool, I didn't just type the thing when I had inspriration, so had to wait until the muse hit me again. Blame... blame... /looks round frantically/ THE CHEESE MONSTERS!_

_**WARNING- THIS STORY NOW CONTAINS A HETEROSEXUAL RELATIONSHIP. IF THAT OFFENDS YOU, SORRY, BUT WHEN I ASKED FOR OPINIONS NO-ONE GAVE THEM. IF YOU GET OFFENDED, I **_**WAS ****_RUNNING A POLL, BUT YOU NEVER SAID ANYTHING. AS SUCH, PLEASE KEEP READING ANYWAY!_**

_DEDICATION- Oh, why the hell not. This is dedicated to the _**Arctic Monkeys, **_for putting on an awesome gig in Manchester, the best night of my fucking LIFE! I recommend 'Fluorescent Adolescent', 'When the Sun Goes Down', 'I Bet You Look Good on the Dancefloor', and the ever-present 'Mardy Bum'. Download/buy their album(s) NOW!_

DISCLAIMER- _Fine, fine rub it in why dontcha? I own bugger-all. There, are you happy now/bursts into tears/_

Roxas rolled over, groaning. He hated waking up. Especially as his subconscious decided to have him wake up to a persistent poking. He cracked an eyelid open slightly. Blearily, he peered around, seeing Axel asleep on the futon at the foot of his bed, a man chasing a tent as it flew down the street outside his window, Sora poking him with an umbrella, a pile of dirty clothes that looked almost alive- wait. Backtrack. Why, in the name of the good lord Baby Jesus and His miracle hangover cure, was Sora poking him with an umbrella?

"Sora, what fresh hell?"

Sora giggled. Freaky.

"Seriously, stop poking me!"

Poke. Poke.

"_Quit it, you foolish bint!"_

Poke. Poke.

"_POKE ME AGAIN AND DIE!"_

"_**I POKE AT THEE!"**_

Roxas was about to yell back, but then it came back to him. Sora only used archaic English when he was sugar high. Inhaling deeply, he caught a whiff of cheap supermarket cola. Buggeration in a hand basket. "Sora, fuck off."

Sora giggled again. "Use Ye Olde Englishe."

"Fucketh offeth, before I removeth thy manly parts with my houseth keys. Dost thou remember whateth happened to yonder Axel? …..Eth."

Sora fucked off. Roxas moaned, falling back onto his pillow with a sigh. Then a smirking voice (don't ask how voices can smirk, they just can) said,

"Family issues? I worry about that brother of yours. He doesn't seem quite all there, if you know what I mean. On the other hand, what is he on and where can I get some? What kind of crazy shit makes you that happy all the time. An I know about drugs, you've seen some of my friends."

Roxas rolled his eyes. "No, I think that no matter how hyper he is, no illegal substances are involved. Although there should be some sort of ban on sugar, in the quantity that Sora consumes it. Anyway, I need a shower, so just… entertain yourself, don't look at anything marked 'Private', and don't break anything. Savvy?"

Axel's laughter followed him out of the room.

He wondered down the hall to the bathroom, yawning. It was to early to live. Cursed crazy brother. He flung the door to the bathroom open, still grumbling, and immediately-

"HOLY FUCK ON A SHIT SANDWICH!"

-flung his hand over his poor, heterosexually virgin eyes, as he saw Sora and Kairi in a… compromising position against the shower door. Sora was shirtless, and Kairi clad only in a towel. "SWEET GOD, MY _EYES!" _Backing out of the room as fast as he could, nearly falling over, Roxas sprinted down the hall, screaming blue murder. Rocketing into the kitchen, where he knew Cloud would be, Roxas bellowed at the top of his voice, "Cloud, Leon, stop molesting each other for a second, I have world-shattering news: SORA'S STRAIGHT!"

Leon rolled his, relying on his usual response of, "Whatever," before Roxas's statement hit him. "Wait, what the fuck?"

Cloud simply sat and stared, mouthing the words, "No, this isn't happening, no no no, why me, oh god what will mum and dad say," over and over again. The shock appeared to have short-circuited his brain. Axel chose that moment to appear, saying he heard the banshee-like screaming, and while he recognised it, last time Roxas had been sounding a lot more pleasured. Needless to say, he was the one screaming next, as Roxas nailed him in the nuts with the ever-present House Keys of Doomä. Next to join the familial freak-out were the subjects themselves, Sora and Kairi, closely followed by a moping and depressive Riku, who looked more emo than ever. No-one knew how he had got in.

"I can explain-"

"We were just experimenting-"

"It didn't mean anything-"

Sora and Kairi attempted to explain themselves, fighting a losing battle, as the only two straight people in a five hundred yard radius. The noise levels in the small kitchen rocketed sky-high, as Kairi tried to explain how they were just friends, Sora accused them all of being narrow-minded fascists, Roxas screamed foul words and names, calling them freaks and devil-spawn, Axel did his best to calm Roxas down, Cloud remained blank and shell-shocked, Leon tried to keep the peace, even though he was shocked and confused, while trying to kick start Cloud's brain. Finally, Sora snapped.

"Look, I love her, alright? And I DON'T CARE IF SHE'S A GIRL!"

Cloud fainted. Roxas choked on air, spluttering in outrage. Leon stared. Axel tripped over his own feet. Kairi gasped, staring at Sora in adoration. And Riku? Well, let's just say that those kitchen knives were starting to look _real _friendly.

Riku had "loved" Sora for ages, and more to the point, he had been led to believe that his feelings were reciprocated. And then it turns out that the redheaded slag that they hung out with was Sora's true love. Filthy tart. Bitch. Whore. Slut. Sheman. Words could not express how much Riku hated Kairi at that moment.

Everyone else was too caught up in the revelations about Sora's sexuality to hear someone's mobile ring. Except Riku, who, even when drowning in angst, was sharper than he looked. He noticed the phone that Axel had put down on the table the night before vibrating. Picking up, he muttered,

"'Lo, Axel's phone." A voice positively _purred _down the line at him.

"_Hello, _and who might _you _be, answering my little brother's phone? And in such a _familiar _manner." Riku rolled his eyes.

"A friend of a friend's… friend. Who are you?"

"His stunningly attractive, and far superior in every way, _bigger _brother." Riku wasn't sure if he had imagined the stress on bigger, and told himself to get his mind out of the gutter.

"Oh, the owner of the pimp car. Why are you calling?"

"It is NOT a pimp car! And I'm calling to let Axie-boy know that I'm coming to visit him over there in the Bastion, and I want the address of the place he's staying at." Riku bit his lip, knowing that even if Sora had unconsciously broken his heart, he couldn't really dump strangers at their house without asking.

"The place Axel's staying is a bit full. You can always stay with me, I practically live round here anyway." He nearly added _'not that they ever notice me' _but stopped himself (although it did rankle slightly that they never questioned his presence, to the point of treating him like an old and slightly ugly sofa to sit on when the newer one was full.) The stranger seemed pleasantly surprised.

"Are you sure? That would be great!"

"Positive. The name's Riku Vehementi, I live at 17 Greater Wise Street, with my brother, so I would suggest calling me on 07762438664 when you're in the area."

"Awesome, thank you soooooo much! So, Riku Vehementi, I'll see you at 17 Greater Wise Street, after I speak to you again by phone on 0776243664. I'm Reno, by the way." Riku could hear the grin. And the laugh. This guy had a nice laugh…

"See you, Pimp Junior."

"As soon as I can, Lady-boy!" With a chuckle, Riku ended the call. His attention was distracted by Axel dragging a sobbing Roxas up the stairs. With a final scream of "_Demon! TRAITOR!" _from Roxas, the 'Dynamic Duo' were gone.

_Far, far away, in a distant apartment, a young redheaded man chuckled evilly. This was going to be **fun.**_

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Axel sat Roxas down on his bed, stroking the boy's hair and whispering soothing nothings into his ear. Other's might think he was joking, but Axel could tell that his little blond was honestly upset.

"I'm sorry about this, Axe. I guess I just thought that we would have something in common, if Sora was gay too. I mean, he encouraged me to come out. And we've never really been much like each other, even though we're twins. I suppose I wanted for him not to be the perfect one again… Selfish, really. I should be happy for him."

Axel didn't know what to say. His brother was more flaming than him, if that was possible, and Axel _definitely _didn't have the inferiority complex that Roxas seemed to suffer from. "Tell you what, Roxy, I think what you need is a steady, secure relationship, to boost your self-esteem. I'm willing to be the other person in that relationship, if you want."

Roxas looked up, stunned but happy. "Really? That would mean a lot to me. Thank you, Axel."

"No problem, Roxanne my love." Leaning forward, the boys pulled together in a kiss completely without lust, just tenderness and an emotion neither wanted to label, but shied away from calling 'love'. In total peace and comfort, they lay on Roxas's bed in silence, at one, exchanging sweet kisses every now and then. Obviously, the quiet didn't last.

With a crash and a yell from Leon of, "Who the flying fuck are you lot?", a gang of eleven people swept through the Strife household, to the sound of guns firing, knives slamming into walls and doors, party poppers, kazoos, screaming and singing, and the melodious twang of a sitar. Bollocks. Times five bazillion. Axel winced. They had found him. Bursting into the room in all their dysfunctional glory, were Organization XIII.

"OH MY GOD! HOW DID YOU FIND ME?!" A pirate-wannabe, with an eye patch, pistols and long hair pulled back into a ponytail, answered Axel's hysterical question.

"It doesn't matter! What _does _matter is this: WE ARE ORGANIZATION XIII, AND WE ARE HERE TO PAR-TAAAAAAAY!!!"

The entire gang screamed in joy. Axel moaned, putting his head in his hands. There was no escape. They would be subjected to the sickest, wildest party Hollow Bastion had ever seen. And he could tell it was going to go down a treat with the eldest Strife. _Why does everything seem to end in my imminent demise? Karma, you utter dick._

_A/N- PLEASE DON'T KILL ME! Riku will be fine, anyone who guesses the (pure crack) pairing gets a dedication. SoraKairi had to be done, I'm afraid. No-one complained, so there you go. But hey, at least we get more Reno, and Orgy XIII! Review, or I'll give them brain transplants, and make this into AxelxLarxene. And no-one wants that._

_P.S. I'm going away to Rome for a week (starting day after tomorrow, early morning), so Ciao, bella, and I'll see you (hopefully with updates) in a week!_


	6. Organization XIII Are Party Animals!

_A/N- I was in Italy! I couldn't update! But with the use of insulting post-it notes, and _

_a system of read, write, read, write, I finally got this done. /a few halfhearted cheers/ Nice to know I'm appreciated. _

_**WARNING- MAJOR OOC. I TOTALLY MUTILATED XEMNAS'S CHARACTER, AND I'M NOT EVEN SORRY.**_

**DEDICATION-**Har har, I get to dedicate another chapter to Skitts, because she did guess my new crack!pairing... Spread the joy of Reniku (reno/riku)! Include it in your fics! And this is also for Lamatikah (hope I spelt that right!) because she put me on her fave authors.

Roxas looked on in total shock. Damn, these guys moved fast! In about three seconds flat they had totally decimated his house, which appeared to resemble some kind of strip joint crossed with an illegal rave venue. He looked next to him at Axel, who was smiling beatifically at them.

"Ah, my children. I have taught you well," Axel said, eying the destruction with grandfatherly pride. He appeared to have missed the fact that his new paramour was having some kind of fit. A party was _exactly _what they all needed, particularly the drunken sex with strangers, and mind-expanding drugs. Then he noticed something. Organization XIII was more Organization XII. "Hey, Mansex, where's Kevin?"

A tall, mixed-race man with silver hair utilised his creepy yellow eyes to glare at Axel. "We chucked him from our Organization. He was not suitable. There is no 'x' in Kevin. Therefore, he was not one of us."

Axel gasped, "Surely you can't be serious?" The man frowned.

"I am serious. And don't call me Shirley. Or Mansex. My _name _is Xemnas. That's X-E-M-N-A-S. Got it _memorised?" _

Axel choked on air, eyes bulging in shock and horror. "That's my catchphrase! You can't say it! My precious catchphrase! Gaaahh!"

Xemnas smirked. His work here was done. Roxas watched him march off to molest some blue-haired guy, before yelling over his shoulder, "OI! AXEL'S BOY-TOY! WHAT'S YOUR NAME?"

"Uh… Roxas?"

"Sweet! Wanna join the Organization?"

"Um… no?" He saw the look Xemnas was giving him. "I mean, YES, MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD."

"That was the correct answer! Go to the top of the class and give the teacher a banana!"

Roxas wrinkled his nose before replying, "Or I could just not, y'know. I don't want an STD."

"HAH. I like you, kid. You're in!"

Roxas blinked at Axel. Axel blinked at Roxas. They blinked in stereo. Hey, that's how Organization XIII works. They swoop down on you and claim your soul before you even notice they're there! Mwahahahahaha! ……Ahem. Moving swiftly onward.

Axel noticed the effect all this chaos was having on the blond. "Hey, shall we leave and go for a walk?" As Roxas was agreeing, the hyperactive Southern boy from before ran up, "Axel! Why are y'all going?"

Roxas cut in, "Because this is madness!"

Demyx cocked his head, "Madness? This… is… PARTY!" And so Demyx and Roxas bonded, and they both, with varying degrees of reluctance, made a new friend. Frowning, Axel dragged Roxas out of the door, walking towards the children's park as the sun began to set.

They meandered in silence, fingers entwined and shoulders touching. A light summer breeze danced through the air. The sun seemed closer and golder than ever before. In that warm, burnished light, each became even more beautiful in the eyes of their lover. The smaller's hair glowed bright as the light that shone on it. His eyes were as deep and rich a blue as the twilight sky, skin looked like golden velvet. The other man's eyes almost reflected the light, each eye awash with mischief. Uncontrollable hair danced in the wind like the flames that comprised the man's soul. Pale skin acquired a light-giving tinge. Neither had ever been more stunning, or more at peace. They leant together and shared an exquisite kiss, gentle and loving, with the strong undercurrents of desire, of lust, that swelled beneath the glassy calm of the surface. They broke apart, smiling.

"We should probably go back."

"Yeah."

The world spun in harmony.

For some people.

"Goddammit, Demyx, you total FUCKING MORON! They're only disco lights!! IT'S NOT BLOODY ROCKET SCIENCE!"

"Leave him alone, Vexen."

"Just because you want him in your pants, uke-boy!"

"You've never complained about me bottoming for you before."

"Fuck you, Zexion!"

"Thanks but no thanks."

"Guys, I put the lights up. Guys? Are y'all listening?"

"Leave them, Demyx. A lovers' tiff."

"FUCKING SMART-ARSE EMO!"

"I thought you were meant to be the clever one."

"AAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHH!! _DIE!!" _

(Y'know, the Organization appear to be doing just fine. Lets screw with some other people for a bit. This lot really, _really _don't need it.)

Meanwhile, a certain red-head was arriving in Hollow Bastion. Sadly, as Reno isn't really the brightest crayon in the box, he had written the address on his arm, then taken a shower. In a nutshell, he was lost. What was that number again? Bollocks. Right, here goes nothing. He crossed his fingers.

'_You used to get in you fishnets_

_Now you only get it in you nightdress_

_Swapped all you naughty nights for niceness_

_Landed in a very common crisis_

_Everything's _--'

"Hello?"

"Riku? It's Reno."

"Hey, are you still coming?"

_Bad thoughts bad thoughts bad Reno, smacked wrists-_

"Yeah. Nice ringtone, by the way. Love that song. Um, but I have a slight problem. I, uh, well, I'm lost."

Chuckling, "Why don't you just ask for directions?"

"I'm not that pathetic!"

"What is it with men and asking for directions?!"

"You know you ARE a guy, right?"

"Shut up. Look, if you have red hair in a ponytail, and drive a _very _nice Alpha Romeo, you're outside my house right now. I can see you out the window."

"That would be me. And don't mention the car. It's my boss's, as my darling baby brother _destroyed _mine. He will pay."

"I'll see you in about minus three seconds, then."

Grinning, Reno flipped the phone shut and climbed out of his car. Sauntering up the path, the door opened just as he reached it. Reno started to smirk- and promptly had to pick his jaw up off the ground, vainly trying not to drool at the walking wet dream in front of him. Pretty shiny silver hair (slightly damp), and turquoise eyes like the Caribbean, and pale skin with well defined muscles that glistened with droplets of water, and ooooooooh, god. Maybe he should have worn looser trousers. More to the point, surely people like this came with 'WARNING: VERY HOT' signs? The vision smiled.

"Hi. I'm Riku. Sorry, I've only just got out the shower-" _bad Reno, no, badthoughtsbadthoughtsbadthoughts _"-Hope it wasn't too hard to come. Can I do you anything? C'mon, sit here while I put some clothes on."

_Breathe, you can handle this, do not jump, do not jump, do not rape him in his own house, focus, breathe, call yourself a turk? control, self control, wouldn't I like to control him- no don't go there, be normal. As normal as Norman Normal. Normaler. _

" Okay, but for me you don't have too." Jesus Christ, how pervy did that sound? Why was he so retarded? He should have stopped at 'Okay'!

Amidst Reno's inner turmoil, Riku smirked. Unsurprisingly, he knew exactly what effect he was having on the hapless redhead. Choosing his words carefully, dunking a bottle of water over himself as soon as he rung off the phone, the works. Seeing as the boy he'd liked for about his entire life was straight, Riku would be damned if he wasn't seducing the first guy he met. And it helped that Reno wasn't exactly bad looking. Like an attractive version of Axel. Plus, older and more… _experienced._

"Hey, Reno, word on the street has it that there's a fucking massive party going down tonight. You in?"

A smirk lit both their faces. "In a word, hellyeah." Brace yourselves.

Cloud Strife was quietly having _another _mental breakdown. This was not good for his blood pressure, dammit! He snuggled further into Leon's arms, and quietly whimpered a little. Strangers coming and wreaking havoc… loud music… drunk and drugged up teenagers… seeing someone having sex on his bed… "Sweet god, my EYES." Leon rubbed his back soothingly. Around them, people were dancing to some creepy bump n grind song.

'_I'm bringing sexy back…'_

No wonder the kids couldn't keep it in their pants. Axel and Roxas appeared to be having sex with _some _of their clothes on. Sora had his tongue so far down Kairi's throat he looked like he was eating her face. Riku had his legs wrapped around an older redhead's waist, and was licking his ear. Naminé was involved with some kinky threesome with two of Axel's friends, of her, a blonde woman, and a pink-haired person of indeterminate gender. The rest of Axel's insane buddies were partner swapping with ease. Then one with a mullet broke away from the smaller emo kid whose pants he had his hand down to flick a switch and change the song.

'_Scotty doesn't know,  
That Fiona and me,  
Do it in my van every Sunday._

A yell of drunken laughter, followed by every person within a fifty mile radius shouting along with the lyrics.__

She tells him she's in church,  
But she doesn't go,  
Still she's on her knees, and...

Scotty doesn't know, oh.  
Scotty doesn't know-oh.  
So don't tell Scotty!  
Scotty doesn't know,  
Scotty doesn't know.  
SO DON'T TELL SCOTTY!  


Cloud turned to the man he loved, grinned wickedly, and hurled himself at the brunet's lips.

_  
Fiona says she's out shopping,  
But she's under me and I'm not stopping._

Cuz Scotty doesn't know,  
Scotty doesn't know,  
Scotty doesn't know,  
Scotty doesn't know.  
So don't tell Scotty.  
Scotty doesn't knoooooow...  
DON'T TELL SCOTTY!

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.__

I can't believe he's so trusting,  
While I'm right behind you thrusting.

Fiona's got him on the phone,  
and she's trying not to moan.  
It's a three way call,  
and he knows nothing.  
NOTHING!!!

Scotty doesn't know,  
Scotty doesn't know,  
Scotty doesn't know,  
Don't tell Scotty.  
Cuz Scotty doesn't know,  
Scotty doesn't knoooooow...  
SO DON'T TELL SCOTTY!  


You're only a hormonal teenager once, thank god.

_  
We'll put on a show, everyone will go.  
Scotty doesn't know,  
Scotty doesn't know,  
Scotty doesn't knoooooow..._

The, parking lot, why not?  
It's so cool when you're on top.  
His front lawn, in the snow.  
Laughing so hard, cuz...

Scotty doesn't know,  
Scotty doesn't know.

I did her on his birthday.

Scotty doesn't know,  
Scotty doesn't know,  
Scotty doesn't know,  
Scotty doesn't know,  
Don't tell Scotty.  
Scotty doesn't knoooooow...

"Wanna fuck?"__

Scotty will know,  
Scotty has to know,  
Scotty's gotta know,  
Gonna tell Scotty,  
Gonna tell him myself.

Scotty has to know,  
Scotty has to know,  
Scotty has to,  
Scotty has to,  
Scotty has to go!

A hand down his pants was Cloud's only answer.__

Scotty doesn't know,  
(Don't tell Scotty)  
Scotty doesn't know,  
(Don't tell Scotty)  
Scotty doesn't know...  
Scotty's gotta go!'

_A/N- The songs are 'Sexyback' by Justin Timberlake, and 'Scotty Doesn't Know' by Lustra. Did you like my Akuroku fluff? That part was gonna be all angsty and shit, but it just happened like that. Review and you get multicoloured pasta shaped like penises! I blame the Italians... I always reply to signed/with email address reviews, as incentive. And if you're really nice, you get a chapter dedication!_

P.S. Go read my oneshot, The 10 Fanfiction Commandments, and review that too!


	7. Whipped In More Ways Than One

_A/N- (sorry this is short) Dear Ffnet is being a bitch, so here goes for about the fiftieth time, it had better upload! Grrrr... For excuses, go to my profile, I'll leave that notice up for now.In the mean time, I AM SO SORRY. FORGIVE ME? My note at the bottom might be longer, because there's plenty of stuff I want to comment on. P.S. Family bonding is the invention of Beelzebub._

_**DEDICATION: Ritsuko-tenshi1! For all the help, advice, and Puerto Rican history! My late night bestie. You are, quite simply, the Second Coming. Also for Lamatikah, for all the insane chats with her, sorry i never replied, technical difficulties. Seriously, Ritsuko, I love you hun.**_

813813813813813

"I know what we should do now, yo. Getting-to-know-each-other games!" Reno. World's biggest moron.

"YEAH! Awesome!" Sora: silver medallist. Why in the hell would they want to get to know Axel's friends? The same friends who had refused to leave when all the other people got chucked out. Roxas turned to the one person who would help him, conveniently forgetting how that same person had abandoned him two days ago. Keeping up his evil streak, Cloud nodded his approval. They were screwed.

"OK! First, we give our names, then one thing about ourselves, then why you're here! Can you idiots handle that?"

"Sora, you can't even _spell _your name."

"ROXAS! That was _one time! _It was years ago!"

"It was _last week, _Sora."

"Whose side are you on, Kairi?! Jeez!"

Thankfully Leon intervened before this all descended into total madness. "Sora, shut up. I'm Leon, I gunblade, and I'm Cloud's boyfriend."

"I'm Cloud, my hair sticks up like this naturally, and I _own _this house, bitches." Glare. Glare. Glare some more. Make threatening gestures at people. Demyx nearly wet his pants.

"I'm SORA! I'm the only straight guy I know, and I live here!!" Everyone face palmed quietly. Not the brightest bulb in the box, that's for sure.

"I'm Kairi, I can spot a designer handbag at fifty paces**(1)**, and I'm here because, for all my sins, I'm Sora's girlfriend and therefore his keeper."

"I'm Riku, I'm their other best friend, and I might as well live here, not that anyone notices." Moan on, emo sod. Who cares? (Apart from the fangirls, who will probably rip me apart for that line.)

"I'm Reno, yo. I'm second-in-command of the Turks, and have no idea why I'm here. No wait, I do! I'm here because Riku told me to!" He means well, if only he wasn't so weird… Next the Organization!

"I'm Roxas, I think I might have just joined a gang (XIII, the Key of Destiny), and I, shockingly enough, live here." Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, Roxy-boy.

"I am Xemnas. Not Mansex. I am the Superior, the number one in Organization XIII, and I am here for funtimes and booze." Nutter.

"I'm Xigbar, I'm number II, the Freeshooter, and I'm here because he said so." Pirate.

"I'm Xaldin, III, the Whirlwind Lancer. What he said." Apeman.

"My name is Vexen, the Chilly Academic, or IV. I am here because of orders." Mad scientist.

"Lexaeus. V. Silent Hero. Orders." ……Rock?

"…Zexion. VI, or the Cloaked Schemer and I would rather not be here, but there you go." Emo kid.

"Saïx, VII. The Luna Diviner, and here for _Xemnas…_ _(Mmm, Xemnas…)" _Psychopath.

"I'm Axel, got it memorised? I like fire, that's where I got my codename, the Flurry of Dancing Flames! Damn, that makes me sound gayer that Marluxia… I'm Roxy's boyfriend! HELLYEAH, 'TARDS!" Pyromaniac.

"Name's Demyx, y'all. I'm IX, and love music, so I'm the Melodious Nocturne! I guess you could say I'm here for moral support, and free alcohol." Deep South boy.

"I'm called Luxord, I kick arse at card games, and am British, the Gambler of Fate. I'm here to make money out of anyone foolish enough to bet with me." Yugi Motou wannabe.

"HELLOOOO, DAAHHHLINGS! My name is Marluxia, and I prefer to be thought of as female! I like flowers, and pink, and Larxene! They sometimes call me the Graceful Assassin… I don't know why… killing stuff would mess up my hair…" Transvestite.

" You can call me Larxene. Her Royal Bitchiness and Fucking-Crazy-Permanent-PMS-Woman are not accepted. Alias the Savage Nymph, I'm here because you people aren't scared of me yet." Dominatrix.

"I'm Naminé. I like to draw, and paint, and things like that. I also like Larxene and Marluxia… I was here because I'm Roxas's friend, but now I'm here with them…" Think Tracy Emin, but washed.

Yep, Organization XIII are a normal lot.

Not.

All was silent for a while, before one of the Prize Prats, Sora, announced, "And the next game will be…" he made his own drum roll, "TWISTER!!" And people called Sora innocent. Bastard. He would die. The next person to talk was, surprisingly, Riku.

"Reno love, I'm hungry. Go get drinks and snacks."

"Yes dear."

As soon as Reno, Axel, Xigbar and Leon left the room, Reno turned and glared. "Anyone make the whipped noise, and they're fucking _dead." _

"Whapish!" Axel made the 'whipped' noise. Then Axel made the 'OW, you crazy mofo, my nose!' noise. When they got back into the main room, armed to the teeth with Diet Coke and Pringles, they saw the twister mat had already been laid out, and everyone was waiting for them. Axel was his usual obnoxious self, "Why do you have diet Coke, only teenage anorexic girls drink diet anything!"

Quick as a flash, Cloud lept up and smacked him hard across the face. "_Don't. Talk. About. Anorexia. In. My. House." _**(2)**

"Jeez, sorry I asked!"

Twister was… hell. Pure hell. The group game of SATAN. Especially with seventeen of them playing, thank god for the abnormally large matt. Cloud and Leon had flat out refused to play, instead being the spinners until people got out. The least likely possible person was in the final- Kairi vs. Zexion. Kairi, fair enough, she was a gymnast. But the emo?

"Wow, Zex, you're surprisingly… flexible…" **(3)**

From upside down, with hands on opposite sides of the matt, right elbow crooked around Kairi's neck - one leg curled under him and the other crossed over his body and under Kairi's to the next square along, Zexion muttered, "Thanks, Demyx. Nice to know I look as stupid as I feel." At that point they simultaneously fell. Draw. Damn.

Sora got that look in his eyes. The one where he had a plan. Unfortunately, Sora's plans usually ended up with trouble. Like the Vacuum Incident. The local constabulary would never forget that day. However, while most of Sora's plans involved the threat of nuclear warfare ever hanging in the air, sometimes, they were the most exhilarating moment of your life. Sora's plans were like skydiving with an old parachute. The adrenaline rush was stronger _because _there was a fifty percent chance you could die. "TRUTH OR FUCKING DARE, BITCHES!!"

This could honestly go either way.

Sora went first, as it was his idea. "Naminé, truth or dare?"

Naminé blushed and muttered, "Truth?"

Cue evil grins all round. "What's this with you, Larxene and Marluxia?" Maximum discomfort. He was _good. _

"Um, well, we I last night, uh, y'know, drunk?" That made total sense. Thankfully they all got the picture. Naminé turned to her BFF, know they would forgive her for what she was about to do. "Roxas, truth or dare?"

"Dare." He was no pussy. Dare was the manly option. And Roxas was just soooo manly. Uhuh. Yeah.

"I dare you to do something involving Axel and whipped cream." Fuck that! He was an uke, no-one expected him to be manly, truth! Nice, safe, feminine truth!

"Fine. Got any cream?" He pulled up his boyfriend's shirt, spraying the cream abstractedly on his stomach. Roxas then proceeded to lick it off. "Goddamn, that was weird. Zexion, truth or dare?"

"…… Truth." Pansy.

"Who, in this room, have you _not _slept with?" Roxas was gonna be a bastard about this one. Zexion sighed.

"… You, Kairi, Naminé, Sora and Demyx." Stunned silence. In a room of nineteen, Zexion had slept with fourteen of them. Roxas burst into choked laughter.

"You total and utter slag! My god, Zexion, really?! Even _Larxene_?! The world looks down on hookers you know!"

"The world can go fuck itself with a steel dildo. Mansex, dare, don't touch Saïx for twenty minutes, you nympho." And with that crude statement, Zexion pulled out a book, and started to read.

The game carried on like that for about two hours, all of them learning more about the others than anyone ever wanted to know, including the speaker, probably. Finally, when it had gone past the stage of joyous schadenfreude and innuendo, and into the realm of Riku and Xaldin clinging to each other, bellowing "I LOOV YER!" and Sora wondering if you can shoot porn, the VoiceOfReason™, Roxas called a halt to the game, with one almighty sentence.

"Who wants to watch Pirates of the Caribbean?"**(4)**

Because nothing bonds people better than that god of movies. If you hadn't moved in to the Strife residence yet, you soon would.

PotC had begun.

9696969696969696

_A/N- **(1) **My sister can honestly do this. No joke._

_**(2)**Remember this for later on. I shall say no more._

_**(3) **Heheheh. Couldn't resist, mate._

_**(4)** For Ritsuko, who said she likes seeing the Caribbean mentioned. And yes, POTC has this power. Ask any sane person. XD_

_I may be forced to introduce some angst in either next chapter or nine: forewarned is forearmed. Also, I'll try to have a little oneshot up for Dexion day, lovelies. Lamie, I've started your challenge, should be up by tomorrow. I've also done a weird little oneshot, called That Boy Like Me, go R&R it/self-pimpage/_

_indie xxx_


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